I don’t think it’s a major secret to anyone that I have had a HUGE desire to be a stay at home mom. This is honestly something I have struggled with since the day Emery was born. I’ve been bitter about having to work, jealous of moms who get to stay at home, and down right mad at the Lord for calling me to be a working mom. Another thing that you may or may not know about me is that I am a control FREAK. I like things done the way I like them done, I like knowing when they’re going to happen, how they’re going to happen and why they’re going to happen. I am ESPECIALLY a control freak when it comes to Emery.
Our life group has been doing a study on the book “Crazy Love” by Francis Chan which I have read before, so I wasn’t expecting to learn much the second time through, BUT the Lord had other plans! Many of our discussions have centered around surrender, and during one particular discussion on Chapter 7 we were challenging each other to pinpoint the one thing in our life that we desire more than God, or that we love/value more than God. In Chapter 7 of “Crazy Love” Chan gives many examples of men and women in The Bible who had faith and were totally surrendered to the lordship of Jesus Christ. The example that stuck out to me was of Abraham lying Isaac down as a sacrifice ready to take his life (Hebrews 11:17 –19). I immediately knew the area of my life that was not surrendered was Emery.
As our group is doing the Crazy Love study our church is doing a sermon series on “When You’re Out of Time, and Other are Cutting in Line”. I immediately thought yes I’ve been waiting on my stay at home mom prayer to be answered for two years now, pastor is going to fill me in on how to make that happen…SWEET! Umm..wrong again April. Several weeks into the series he talked about how we must trust God with our smallest faith, and he specifically spoke to the “control freaks”…he may as well have held up a sign and said “HELLO APRIL COLLINS I’M TALKING TO YOU RIGHT NOW, YOU NEED TO TRUST HIM WITH EMERY AND SURRENDER!!!”
You see the whole time I’ve been praying the wrong prayer. I’ve been asking God to show me what he wants me to do, and honestly I don’t think he cares WHAT I’m doing. He just wants me working. I’ve made it about myself and what I could do for my students, when it’s been about HIM all along. I’ve thought I can’t be a mom to these kids and to Emery, but that’s not what he’s wanted from me. He has simply wanted me to work and give up my days with Emery because that is how he is asking me to “sacrifice” her just as he asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. That is how he wants me to let him be Lord over my EVERYTHING, including my Emery. He loves her more than I EVER could, and he wants me to TRUST him WITH her, not just to trust him FOR her.
So, now nothing is different in my life, but somehow everything is different. I still go to work at the same job everyday, I still send Emery to the sitter everyday, but my perspective has totally changed. Everyday I get to wake up and tell the Lord that he has ALL of me, not every part except for one, but ALL. I am so excited to see what he can do with my ALL because I know its more than I could ever do on my own.
5 comments:
I still has a couple tears, even after hearing it several times. What an encouragement and an example for all of us. So so awesome:)
Thank you so much for sharing!
Another interesting perspective on "Stay at Home Moms"
http://bethlambdin.net/2012/04/14/the-luxury-of-staying-home/
Interesting perspective yes, but actually has nothing to do with what I was posting about. I don't work to make money, I work because that's what the Lord is asking of me right now.
http://travandsteph.blogspot.com/2012/04/honor-of-working-at-home-part-2.html
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